Six Years and Heartbreak

So I'm really only making this post as I don't know where else to talk about things. This isn't really meant for anyone but me as I doubt anyone remembers the existence of this blog. Hell, I barely remembered I had it.

 Hard to believe it's been 6 years since I've posted anything. Also hard to believe that so much can change in what doesn't seem like a lot of time. In 6 years, I had the best day of my life, followed by the worst year(s) of my life, and now I'm at what I imagine to be rock bottom. Missing places, missing people. It's the same story that so many others have told, yet far more impactful when it happens to you. Three years ago I was in the midst of massive life changes. New city and a new life with the person I care most about in this world. That should be past tense but feelings aren't something you can willingly change, and love is a strong feeling. Wish it were as simple as it was for her. Now, three years later, I find myself back where I started. Crippled by mental health issues that have worsened due to the events of the past years, stuck in a never-ending loop of bureaucracy that won't let me move on with my life, and searching for a way out.

I've been told that from tragedy comes rebirth, and I'm still looking for my moment. For the time being, there are things I'm working on, but emotionally, I'm stuck in the past. How do you get over such a strong emotion? How do you get over expecting to spend the rest of your life with someone, and have it only last a year? Unlike her, I'm not what you would call attractive, or fit, or, as I've recently discovered, much of a good person. I've always had that idea to fall back on. If I'm not good looking, or skinny, at least I have a decent personality, and I'm kind. But the truth is, I don't. I'm a complete mess of a human being. Constantly looking to form new bonds, but breaking them almost instantaneously. I understand why she wouldn't keep choosing me like I would her. I'm not someone you want to spend much time around. I've always been the odd one out. I never get invited to things, or places, or get included in many activities. I'm just not someone that people see in that way. In was only a matter of time that she did too. It's been a year since she's kicked me out, and I don't feel any different. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her, or Germany. Not a single day. I'm stuck in the past because I don't see a future for myself.

Maybe it'll come. Until then, the words of a Chvrches song keep replaying in my mind.

"And I never would've given you up, if you only hadn't given me up."