So I'm really only making this post as I don't know where else to talk about things. This isn't really meant for anyone but me as I doubt anyone remembers the existence of this blog. Hell, I barely remembered I had it.
Hard to believe it's been 6 years since I've posted anything. Also hard to believe that so much can change in what doesn't seem like a lot of time. In 6 years, I had the best day of my life, followed by the worst year(s) of my life, and now I'm at what I imagine to be rock bottom. Missing places, missing people. It's the same story that so many others have told, yet far more impactful when it happens to you. Three years ago I was in the midst of massive life changes. New city and a new life with the person I care most about in this world. That should be past tense but feelings aren't something you can willingly change, and love is a strong feeling. Wish it were as simple as it was for her. Now, three years later, I find myself back where I started. Crippled by mental health issues that have worsened due to the events of the past years, stuck in a never-ending loop of bureaucracy that won't let me move on with my life, and searching for a way out.
I've been told that from tragedy comes rebirth, and I'm still looking for my moment. For the time being, there are things I'm working on, but emotionally, I'm stuck in the past. How do you get over such a strong emotion? How do you get over expecting to spend the rest of your life with someone, and have it only last a year? Unlike her, I'm not what you would call attractive, or fit, or, as I've recently discovered, much of a good person. I've always had that idea to fall back on. If I'm not good looking, or skinny, at least I have a decent personality, and I'm kind. But the truth is, I don't. I'm a complete mess of a human being. Constantly looking to form new bonds, but breaking them almost instantaneously. I understand why she wouldn't keep choosing me like I would her. I'm not someone you want to spend much time around. I've always been the odd one out. I never get invited to things, or places, or get included in many activities. I'm just not someone that people see in that way. In was only a matter of time that she did too. It's been a year since she's kicked me out, and I don't feel any different. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her, or Germany. Not a single day. I'm stuck in the past because I don't see a future for myself.
Maybe it'll come. Until then, the words of a Chvrches song keep replaying in my mind.
"And I never would've given you up, if you only hadn't given me up."
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
Friday, April 15, 2011
Death
It's been a long time since I've been here and I hadn't really planned on coming back but I really wanted to write some stuff down and I figured this would be the best place.
Everyone has probably dealt with the death of a pet, or a loved one for that matter. Yesterday one of my pets passed away and although you start expecting it as they get older, you're never really prepared for when it happens. Many might think it's silly to mourn an animal so much, or to be so saddened by their death but all that is irrelevant to the ones facing that loss. To me, his death is something that emotionally devastated me and am working hard to slowly overcome. He wasn't just an animal who lived at home, but rather someone I could always turn to for love and support...in a silly way. I had a lot of turbulent times when I was younger, and I've made my share of mistakes, and had my share of heartaches but he would always be there in the morning, leaning against his cage and offering a voice of comfort. He never cared whether I was angry, or upset...all he wanted was love, and food of course. Love was also all he gave back, and lots of it. You could see it in his eyes and in the way he ran to me whenever I needed him most. He would always be there for me and I did my best to be there for him. In the end, I hope he was happy with the life that he lived and the love that he received because I know he did more for me during a period in my life where I truly needed supporting. I wish I could have done more to keep him here longer, but it was his time and I hope that he's happy now, wherever he may be. I'll miss you and you'll never be forgotten.
Everyone has probably dealt with the death of a pet, or a loved one for that matter. Yesterday one of my pets passed away and although you start expecting it as they get older, you're never really prepared for when it happens. Many might think it's silly to mourn an animal so much, or to be so saddened by their death but all that is irrelevant to the ones facing that loss. To me, his death is something that emotionally devastated me and am working hard to slowly overcome. He wasn't just an animal who lived at home, but rather someone I could always turn to for love and support...in a silly way. I had a lot of turbulent times when I was younger, and I've made my share of mistakes, and had my share of heartaches but he would always be there in the morning, leaning against his cage and offering a voice of comfort. He never cared whether I was angry, or upset...all he wanted was love, and food of course. Love was also all he gave back, and lots of it. You could see it in his eyes and in the way he ran to me whenever I needed him most. He would always be there for me and I did my best to be there for him. In the end, I hope he was happy with the life that he lived and the love that he received because I know he did more for me during a period in my life where I truly needed supporting. I wish I could have done more to keep him here longer, but it was his time and I hope that he's happy now, wherever he may be. I'll miss you and you'll never be forgotten.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Un dia mas, un dia menos...
I haven't really been in the updating mood lately. I don't know why, I just haven't felt like I had anything to really talk about and when I did, I lacked the wherewithal to write it down. Lately I've just been around the house and only go out to work out or go to class. Speaking of which, I really need to get on the whole reading thing as I had planned because this semester is going to be filled with research which I need to do and am really not looking forward to it haha. On the workout side, I'm going to try to do something everyday, if not, at least 4 or 5 times a week.
On a more serious note, I've always been intrigued by the way people conduct themselves with others. It's always interesting for me to see how friends/people come and go with little to no warning. I do understand I'm not the perfect person, and can be quite annoying, but you'd think people would air their grievances with you rather than just leave. I guess I'm used to it by now, especially living on an online world where it's easy to just say fuck it and never have to talk to the other person again. It always hurts a bit though when someone you considered a friend decided they no longer want to talk to you. *shrug*
Anyway, aside from that I've got to start planning my trip to Germany. I really just need to get in shape and get through the semester with good grades. I've pretty much given up trying to learn the language because it's pretty much just me attempting to teach myself but I've got no way of knowing whether I'm right or wrong. Either way, I always have random conversations with myself in Germany so it's not like I'll forget it completely. Oh well.
On a more serious note, I've always been intrigued by the way people conduct themselves with others. It's always interesting for me to see how friends/people come and go with little to no warning. I do understand I'm not the perfect person, and can be quite annoying, but you'd think people would air their grievances with you rather than just leave. I guess I'm used to it by now, especially living on an online world where it's easy to just say fuck it and never have to talk to the other person again. It always hurts a bit though when someone you considered a friend decided they no longer want to talk to you. *shrug*
Anyway, aside from that I've got to start planning my trip to Germany. I really just need to get in shape and get through the semester with good grades. I've pretty much given up trying to learn the language because it's pretty much just me attempting to teach myself but I've got no way of knowing whether I'm right or wrong. Either way, I always have random conversations with myself in Germany so it's not like I'll forget it completely. Oh well.
Thursday, September 09, 2010
General Update
So I had this whole big sentimental post thing written up the other night but I've decided I probably won't post it due to it's mushiness and general emo-ness. I guess feeling down and watching RomComs will do that to you! haha
Anyway, just a quick update on everything. My power went out a couple of days ago and it took them like 8 hours to fix but thankfully it's back. FIOS is going to be installed on Monday and I cannot wait! Should be pretty awesome.
I've finished this sonnet I had to write for one of my history classes and now I'm just hanging out a bit before I go to campus for a Study Abroad meeting. I'll try to get something up more substantial later.
Anyway, just a quick update on everything. My power went out a couple of days ago and it took them like 8 hours to fix but thankfully it's back. FIOS is going to be installed on Monday and I cannot wait! Should be pretty awesome.
I've finished this sonnet I had to write for one of my history classes and now I'm just hanging out a bit before I go to campus for a Study Abroad meeting. I'll try to get something up more substantial later.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Break into Asylum...
Been a while since I've last updated and I have no real excuse haha. I started class yesterday and this professor seems pretty cool. He's on the younger side and he's got hair in a pony tail halfway down his back which makes him badass to me! That class is the Medieval History class and he specializes in Medieval warfare and Byzantium which is pretty awesome. We talked a bit about the Late Roman Empire yesterday and we'll have a bit more to talk about next Tuesday as well. Class doesn't seem too bad as long as I read and start work on my paper early. I have my other class which is Intro to History tomorrow and we'll see how that goes!
In other news, I received the new Disturbed album yesterday and it's awesome, as usual. It's another classic Disturbed album and I definitely love the lyrical depth in this one. It leaves a lot of room for the imagination and to put your own thoughts and ideas into each song which I love. It's a lot like the Maiden album in that respect but this is a lot harder. Speaking of harder, the drums in this seem much more explosive and hard hitting...Mikey did a great job!
Also, I've booked my flight to Germany for the winter holidays! Definitely excited and looking forward to that but I've got hard work in losing some more weight and getting in shape before that haha..Plus I need to get my sober German as good as my drunk German :P
That's all for now! I know it's just a random update but I'll try to write something more substantial in the near future. Thanks!
In other news, I received the new Disturbed album yesterday and it's awesome, as usual. It's another classic Disturbed album and I definitely love the lyrical depth in this one. It leaves a lot of room for the imagination and to put your own thoughts and ideas into each song which I love. It's a lot like the Maiden album in that respect but this is a lot harder. Speaking of harder, the drums in this seem much more explosive and hard hitting...Mikey did a great job!
Also, I've booked my flight to Germany for the winter holidays! Definitely excited and looking forward to that but I've got hard work in losing some more weight and getting in shape before that haha..Plus I need to get my sober German as good as my drunk German :P
That's all for now! I know it's just a random update but I'll try to write something more substantial in the near future. Thanks!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The Final Frontier
So classes start a week from today. I'm still waiting for a book to arrive which is, oddly, taking forever to get here. I think I have everything else though, which is good. I only just realized that my online English class is an accelerated course which doesn't start till October 25th so that'll put even more pressure on me to do the work. Oh well!
I've also been looking at flights and my options to get to Frankfurt. Unfortunately only United and Lufthansa fly non-stop from Washington so that limits my options if I don't want to stop somewhere. I'd gladly fly Lufthansa longhaul but I don't like their 3-3-3 seating on the 747s and they don't have personal TVs either. I'm really excited about the option to fly British Airways via London but we'll see if my dad goes for that. Other than that I can fly American via Dallas but they don't have a Premium Economy section like BA or United have..but their Business is cheap (bout $900) compared to United or BA so maybe I can do that. We'll see as it's still not set in stone that I'll fly there.
Aside from that, Amazon finally shipped me the new Iron Maiden album which I received yesterday and have been loving ever since. On first play I love "Satellite 15...The Final Frontier," "El Dorado" (both of which were released before the album came out), "Mother of Mercy" and "When the Wild Wind Blows" but I'm loving the other ones more and more as I keep listening. Overall it's a fantastic album and am amazed they can still put out such quality work in a time where most other music sucks. Bruce sounds fantastic as always and there are a lot of songs that really showcase his vocals, and the rest of the musicianship is evident throughout the album ranging from intricate to heavy-hitting riffs. I'm going to have to change the picture on the right side but I have no clue how to go about doing that so I'll wait till my girlfriend does it for me haha. Speaking of which, if you're into Japanese fashion at all (lolita, gyaru and stuff, I wouldn't know the beginning of it all but so it goes) or want to read stuff in German about general life in Germany for the hell of it here's the link to her blog: http://marie-antoinettes-soliloquy.blogspot.com/ ,
I've also been looking at flights and my options to get to Frankfurt. Unfortunately only United and Lufthansa fly non-stop from Washington so that limits my options if I don't want to stop somewhere. I'd gladly fly Lufthansa longhaul but I don't like their 3-3-3 seating on the 747s and they don't have personal TVs either. I'm really excited about the option to fly British Airways via London but we'll see if my dad goes for that. Other than that I can fly American via Dallas but they don't have a Premium Economy section like BA or United have..but their Business is cheap (bout $900) compared to United or BA so maybe I can do that. We'll see as it's still not set in stone that I'll fly there.
Aside from that, Amazon finally shipped me the new Iron Maiden album which I received yesterday and have been loving ever since. On first play I love "Satellite 15...The Final Frontier," "El Dorado" (both of which were released before the album came out), "Mother of Mercy" and "When the Wild Wind Blows" but I'm loving the other ones more and more as I keep listening. Overall it's a fantastic album and am amazed they can still put out such quality work in a time where most other music sucks. Bruce sounds fantastic as always and there are a lot of songs that really showcase his vocals, and the rest of the musicianship is evident throughout the album ranging from intricate to heavy-hitting riffs. I'm going to have to change the picture on the right side but I have no clue how to go about doing that so I'll wait till my girlfriend does it for me haha. Speaking of which, if you're into Japanese fashion at all (lolita, gyaru and stuff, I wouldn't know the beginning of it all but so it goes) or want to read stuff in German about general life in Germany for the hell of it here's the link to her blog: http://marie-antoinettes-soliloquy.blogspot.com/ ,
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Idleness
So I'm still spending my days doing absolutely nothing, which is fine with me seeing as this coming semester is sure to be a tough one. I already know one of my professors gives a ton of small work to do every week paired along with a lot of reading, and I'm sure my online English class is going to be nothing but writing so that'll be tough. My only question mark will be the Medieval History professor who I've never taken anything with but his ratemyprofessor.com profile has excellent marks so here's hoping...
I've also got to get back into working out and eating healthy. I've been under constant stress over the past year and a half or so and I've allowed my health and well-being to take a backseat to everything else. I need to spend less money on going out and spend more time watching what I eat. Plus I need to add more time exercising other than the 2 days I go to the gym a week now. Have to find that motivation, which is something I've never, ever been good at, but it helps that I might be going back to Germany in the winter and I'd like to meet my girlfriend's family in decent shape...can't go around being a walking stereotype of the fat, lazy American...haha. I've been thinking about trying to go Vegetarian for while to see how it goes, which will be tough being the avid meat eater that I am but it's a healthy way to go and my girlfriend is a Vegetarian so I might as well get used to it though I won't allow her to take meat away from me forever! Mmm steak.
But I digress. I've still got time before class to get my things in order and be ready for the semester. Here's to a strong start!
I've also got to get back into working out and eating healthy. I've been under constant stress over the past year and a half or so and I've allowed my health and well-being to take a backseat to everything else. I need to spend less money on going out and spend more time watching what I eat. Plus I need to add more time exercising other than the 2 days I go to the gym a week now. Have to find that motivation, which is something I've never, ever been good at, but it helps that I might be going back to Germany in the winter and I'd like to meet my girlfriend's family in decent shape...can't go around being a walking stereotype of the fat, lazy American...haha. I've been thinking about trying to go Vegetarian for while to see how it goes, which will be tough being the avid meat eater that I am but it's a healthy way to go and my girlfriend is a Vegetarian so I might as well get used to it though I won't allow her to take meat away from me forever! Mmm steak.
But I digress. I've still got time before class to get my things in order and be ready for the semester. Here's to a strong start!
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